Childhood trauma. Pt 1
Apparently, at 1 years of age my physical body remembers how it felt being held by my parents. It remembers my mothers warmth, her softness, and her arms filled with love. My body remembers my fathers sadness, his worries, and his body being tense as he held me.
I know all of this being I saw my kineiologist this week. My previous appointments with this women of 'healing' have primarily been damage control. Height of my anxiety, or an event consuming my ability to balance my mental load and my mother load. We didn't dig until today. And my goodness, she dug. She peeled layers. One by one. Uncovered and unpacked each relationship, each emotionally traumatic event. She knew things from my bodies response that not even I knew. And then, with each response, she worked on it, healed it in a way. At one point she asked did I feel that. (I had felt my stomach settle, my arms tingled and the beating of my heart slowed) I said yes, I think so. She replied with each of those 3 things.
Wild. Wild. Wild.
Uncovering the layer that I have abandonment issues. That my fear of abandonment have attracted each and every relationship not only in my adult life but my childhood friendships. I thought I was attracting toxic relationships. The breakdowns I've experienced as a late teen in relationships (female friendships) that I thought were people I would and could quite literally die for ended.
Look I've known for a solid decade Ive carried 'daddy issues' around. Dating emotionally unavailable men was in my myspace bio for fucks sake (not really but it should have been)
But I never thought these 'Daddy issues' were abandonment related. Because well he was around, he wasn't a bad bloke, and he did the best of his abilities. He is no longer around, but that was my decision in the last 12 months and a story for another time.
We kept going, she showed me that my pain from these broken relationships, one girl in particular was suppressed with drugs, alcohol & attention from boys. I never let it hurt, so I never healed my heart.
However, she pointed out the friendships I selected post this particular friendship ending.
- the girl that physically assaulted me and came with her own set of traumatic experiences that she projected onto our friendship through a cycle of break downs, drug + alcohol induced outbursts, and my need to 'fix' or 'mend' my broken friend.
- the girl that I BARELY knew, who at 15 suffered with anorexia, somehow I became her best friend for a whole 3 months, in that time I was in and out of hospital with her, supporting her through her difficult time, being her confidont and support system 24/7
-Finding a group of guys who quickly became my BEST mates, truely they were. I still adore the shit out of them all. BUT I was Mother Hen, I cooked, cleaned, washed, picked up from the Police Station, no.1 wing women for their little ladies who came home with them....I was their go to gal. In return, they hung out with me. Loved me. And that was all I needed.
Theres a couple of others, but I will close out the list here. You get the gist.
I thought I was a 'people pleaser' turns out, I crave validation BECAUSE of my fear of abandonment.
It turns out, trauma is what it is. It doesnt have to be big, it doesn't have to mean a death, physical abuse or whatever else society tells us 'trauma' is. My trauma, my first experience with trauma is my body feeling the stress projected onto me as a baby from my father. Which sadly magnified our disconnection for the following two decades of our relationship.
Trauma is our own.
Part 2, TBA (My next appointment is June 2021)
Thanks for reading to here... if you like this sort of thing... please let me know.
Love, Kris x